Friday, April 01, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Amazon.com to Acquire Rite Aid

Hot on the heels of Walgreen’s acquisition of drugstore.com comes today’s surprise announcement that Amazon.com (NASDAQ:AMZN) is acquiring Rite Aid (NYSE:RAD). The story just broke on Dow Jones Newswires. Wow!

Here’s what CEO Jeff Bezos had to say about the combination, which will be renamed RITEon.com:
“Amazon's 2010 revenues were $34.2 billion, up 134% over the past four years. We have the highest American Customer Satisfaction Index (ACSI) score for any retailer, whether Internet or brick-and-mortar. Acquiring a debt-laden underperformer that loses market share each and every day is exactly the kind of challenge that I need.”
Apparently, Rite-Aid’s 15 minute prescription guarantee program will be retooled because (per Bezos) “one-quarter of an hour is not Internet speed.” Following the acquisition, Amazon Prime members who don’t get their prescription filled in 5 minutes will get a free Amazon Instant Video movie rental. On the downside, RITEon.com will only guarantee that prescriptions are "mostly accurate."

"RITEon, a groovy idea, man," added Bezos.

Read my comments below for important details of this surprising deal.

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OMG! It’s April Fool’s Day again!

26 comments:

  1. You are too good!
    You had me until Groovy.

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  2. Hi Adam
    It is not nice to do April Fool’s jokes….

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  3. I like the name, riteon:)

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  4. Nicely done. Forwarded to co-workers. They will be as snagged as me.

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  5. Adam,

    Love the story today…

    Yes, some folks have kicked to me ( they think I am that gullible?)…

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  6. Adam,

    A brilliant April Fools! Very funny!

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  7. Great column, Adam. I was preparing for CVS/Caremark acquiring RiteAid, and renaming the combined firm rite-off.

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  8. I didn't think you could top Wal-Wal, but you did!!

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  9. Ah yes, April Fool's Day 2009...good times.

    For those new to Drug Channels: Wal-Mart to Buy Walgreens

    Adam

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  10. Good one Adam, you had some of us going!

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  11. I can't believe that you got me again. Nicely done.

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  12. The logo is fantastic! How did you DO that?

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  13. An actual email to me this morning:

    "5 minutes to fill an rx? This concerns me from an accuracy perspective."

    I can't make this stuff up!

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  14. Adam,
    Love your humor as much as your insightful articles:)

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  15. I enjoy a good joke; I expected to see them on April 1, 2011, but not from what I thought of as professional source. I will still look for your news and comments just not take them as seriously.

    Jim

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  16. Jim,

    Sorry you were offended and/or fooled.

    If you were bothered my little joke, then I presume you will also reconsider shopping at Whole Foods, using Google's gmail service, or purchasing Toshiba products.

    Just sayin'...

    Adam

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  17. Wow...had me going for a minute...I work for a major HMO who tries (unsuccessfully) at a 15 minute in and out...errors only multiply when you try going against the clock.

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  18. Another excellent job this year. Riteon.

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  19. I sent it to someone and they actually believed it. I asked them to read it again...

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  20. Someone asked me today (April 7) if this was really true!

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  21. I just told my boss that Amazon was acquiring Rite-Aid. Then I came here for a source. Clearly I am the fool.

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  22. AnonymousJune 29, 2011

    I enjoy a good joke; I expected to see them on April 1, 2011, but not from what I thought of as professional source. I will still look for your news and comments just not take them as seriously.

    Jim

    ReplyDelete
  23. AnonymousJune 29, 2011

    The logo is fantastic! How did you DO that?

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  24. AnonymousJune 29, 2011

    Adam,

    A brilliant April Fools! Very funny!

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  25. Nicely done. Forwarded to co-workers. They will be as snagged as me.

    ReplyDelete
  26. AnonymousJune 29, 2011

    Good one Adam, you had some of us going!

    ReplyDelete